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Battle Of The Champions! #1

Current Fight: Ash Williams Vs. Shaun (Shaun Of the Dead)
Bugs Bunny vs. Roger Rabbit
Buffy Vs. Blade
Sword Play
Sabrina Spellman Vs. Hermione Granger
The Waterboy Vs. The Longest Yard
Battle Of The Champions! #1
Louie The Lizard vs. Spuds McKenzie
Iceman Vs. Sub-Zero
Wilson Vs. Plank
Jason Vs. Johnny
The Thing vs. The Incredible Hulk
Predator Vs. Pokemon
Yoda vs. E.T
Barney & Friends vs. Jurassic Park
Quaker Oats Quaker vs. Colonel Sanders
Marvin the Android vs. Strong Sad
Toucan Sam vs. Sonny
Aliens Vs. Slivers
Master Chief Vs. Samus Aran
Battle Of the Pranksters
King Kong Vs. Donkey Kong
Homer Simpson vs. Peter Griffin
The Orphanarium

The Set-Up:
"Why the hell am I here?" asks Eric Cartman.
"Yeah. I got this E-vite. At first I thought it was just one of those come. Sit through some stupid Time share meeting. Free prize! But now I'm beginning to wonder. I GOT IT!" explains Peter Griffin.
"What?" asks Sub-Zero.
"It's a time share meeting and by sitting through it we get a free prize!" replies Peter.
"Uuh actually no!" A voice cuts in.
"Who are you!? Why have you called us here?" Asks Master chief.
"My name is Professor Xavier. I called you here because you are champions!" Says the man.
"Champions?" Peter asks.
"Yes. You see. For the past few months a website called "Friday Night Fights" has broadcasted fights on the web. When you got into a fight. they were there. Some of you may have willingly gone with them." Explains Prof. X
"Hey. I remember doing a prank war back in April." Cartman says.
"Yes. Well Brad, David, and Riley, the men who created FNF, have paid me to host a battle of champions." Prof. X tells them.

"Is there a prize?" Colonel sanders asks?
"Yes. First you will become a FNF Champion of Champions. Second. A new super-powered mutant has recently jopined my academy. She has the power to grant wishes. The winner will recieve any one wish. No strings. Exactly what you want. But only one wish." Prof. X explains. "But it is a fight to the death. Only one will emerge victorious. The rest will be...well dead!"
"Where will this be held?" Master Chief asks.
"In the Danger room. It is a computer controlled room full of automated weapons and such. You must fight each other while being aware of the deadly weapons around you. If anyone wants to back away now you may." Prof X tells them.
"Any wish!? Like I could wish for millions and millions of dollars!? I'm in!" Cartman says.
"Hey. I personally KNOW death." peter says.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!" the Predator yells.
"I've lived a good run. Besides! I could double my money and number of resturants!" The Colonel says.
"..." Jason Voorhees chimes in.
"Death is of no concern to me." Says Sub-Zero.

"..." Wilson shouts.
"I have dealt with much greater foes than these." Master Chief gloats.
"Good. Let's start." Prof. X says. 


We decided to hold off on an 8-way comemntary because we don't feel like getting 5 extra people to do a commentary and we're lazy.


Brad: Well I’m here to report our biggest fight yet. The competitors are stepping in to the Danger Room. The Door behind them automatically closes.

The room lights up. Prof. X is saying something over a loud speaker.

Prof. X: I’m in the control room. It’s time to start.

Brad: Machines and guns and blades come out of the walls. A Small Maze comes up from the ground in the back of the room.

Prof. X: Start!

Brad: Immedietly they all run off in separate directions. Except for Wilson. He got kicked by Sub-Zero. Wilson is soaring through the air. It knocks The Colonel down. Sanders falls into a pit of lava! Well now he knows how it feels to be deep fried.

Wilson’s still alive though. Cartman comes by.

Cartman: God. I’m so tired. That fat retard keeps chasing me. I gotta sit down.

Brad: Cartman sits on Wilson squishing the volleyball flat. I suppose that counts as a kill. But hey. OH GOD HE FARTED! UUG! A heat seeking missile comes out of the wall and fires at Cartman.


The Methane catches fire. Fortuently for the other contestants they weren’t near the explosion and the room is metal.

Let’s check on Jason shall we? Jason draws out his machete while sneaking up on Sub-Zero. Sub-Zero turns around and freezes Jason’s body. Everything except his head. Sub-Zero pulls Jason’s head off. With the spinal cord dangling. Sub-Zero holds the spinal cord and spins around in circles. He lets go of Jason’s head. It goes flying in the air. Predator shoots it with his shoulder cannon. Jason won’t be back till the sequel, that’s for sure.

That leaves 4 contestants. Peter, Master Chief, Sub-Zero, and Predator. We haven’t seen much of Master Chief. It appears he’s in the labyrinth stalking Peter. Something’s coming out of the ground behind MC. It’s a giant boulder! It starts rolling towards the Chief! It’ll crush him. MC starts running. He finds him self in a dead end. He’s dead. No wait. He shoots a whole through the wall. The boulder crashes through. Master Chief comes by Peter. MC Runs past Peter while Peter has no clue what’s going on. Peter looks. HE’S CRUSHED FLAT BY THE BOULDER!

Well MC escaped the labyrinth and boulder. Let’s check on Predator. Predators fiddling with the different visions on his helmet. He sees Sub-Zero in the distance. He fires the net and Sub-Zero. Zero turns around and freezes it. He holds out his fist and it shatters. Zero sees Predator and tries to freeze him. Predator fires his shoulder cannon at the ice. The two fire at each other constantly. Predator winds up frozen in a block of ice and Sub-Zero a bloody, firey, corpse.

Master Chief plants a time bomb on Predator’s frozen ice block. MC steps back some. The Ice shatters. But predators ok. Predator throws that chopper thing. MC shoots it. The two run at each other.

Final Votes:

Master Chief (32 %)

Kills, mutilates, and disfigures

Peter Griffin (27%)

Jason Voorhees (23%)

Wilson (9%)

The Predator (5%)

Sub-Zero (5%)

Eric Cartman (0%)


Colonel Sanders (0%)


Brad: MC shoots off Predators helmet. Predator aims his shoulder cannon and draws that spear. But before Predator can shoot MC blasts Predator’s face full of lead. Neon green blood everywhere. It’s over.



Prof. X:
Well Master Chief what is your wish?

Master Chief: I wish for Halo 3! The money will roll in!

Prof. X: Granted!

Viewer Comment Of the Week:

ok, I think it will come down to Predator and Jason....but Jason will win. but the story goes...Wilson trys to kill Mr. Chicken guy over there, by staring at him...doesn’t seem to be working but, Wilson’s "hair" stuff catches on fire which explodes the KFC place. now the guy is really mad cause he cant make people fat sanders goes the McDonalds place and works there for about 2 minutes but since McDonalds is so fattening. he has a spasm and heart attack and Wilson is bald, but still, next fight is Wilson, current champion, and peter griffin...Wilson wants to karate chop him but he remembers he has no legs. Or arms...sooo....peter stabs Wilson with a umbrella, but as Wilson dies, he calls over his giant pet lawnmower...which, runs over peter and kills, so 2 people 1 volleyball and guy, the master chief, face off... Master dude fires at Cartman with his laser beam gun thing. But only explodes his cheesy Cartman gets all pissed an beats up chief guy....and calls the cows to trample chief is Cartman is against sub zero.....Cartman calls down his evil flock OF PIGEONS!!!!BAWK BAWK BAWK!!! they attach sub-zero....NOOOO!!!! I HATE PIGEONS!!!!!! THEY STOLE MY MUFFIN WHEN I WAS 10 YEARS OLD!!! MY MUFFIN!!!! screams sub-zero......sub-zero freezes Cartman and explodes him...then eats a muffin...[its not poisoned..] Jason and subzero are fighting...sub-zero and Jason are in the middle of killing each other when. DUN DUN DUN!!! sub-zero dies....from the NOT-poisoned muffin. NOT POISONED!!*chough* *chough*, its down to Predator and Jason...they start attacking each other but in the middle of predator calling his army of death sheep over...he recognizes Jason..."I know you from somewhere... hmmmm..." "......?" Jason asks. "yeah. that’s right.....we went to the badger conventions together!!!" ".....!!!" replies Jason. they talk for a while and get nachos..blah blah friend stuff....BUT...while checking out their new vinegar powered watches.....Predator accidentally presses his suicide bomb it explodes killing him and Jason....except they come back to life moments later...they look around and see dead old people and dead children and chickens everywhere....."that was awesome!!"sez predator... " ....!!!" screams Jason......"OK!! good idea!! we will do it again!!" replies predator....KABOOOOOM!! explodes the bomb...killing more things..."THATS AWESOME!!" yells predator......"Predator looks at his indestructible vinegar powered watch...."HOLY FUCK!!! MY SKETTIOS ARE BURNING!!!!!!!" "aren’t they called spaggetios?" asks some bitchy little girl.. Jason cuts her head off......"well, I guess this is good bye!!! we will get together some time and go on a killing spree!!" "...." Jason says..... predator teleports to his home planets to save his 'skettios......JASON IS THE WINNER!! sez the judge guy.....WHOO!! and this is how Jason won......but im sad to say...Predator skettios he went out for Chinese... THE END!!!!!!w00t!!

-Psycho [Mr.Woofles helped too....]


Other Lesser Comments:

Master Cheif is gunna dominate. Lets look at the facts, shall we? Peter Griffin who is just a fat pig who cant fight.

The predator is just an elite, MC can easily take those out!

Cartman is just like peter, except smaller.

Jason cant fight AT ALLL!

Wilson is just a fish bowl, i think.....i dont know who wilson is

Sub-Zero, now this is a toughie, but MC could just dodge his freeze attacks and stay back and shoot

Colonel-Sanders, please tell me this is a joke, MC against CS.(That sounds like Halo V.S Counter-Strike, Halo, so wins.)


J Dog- Ah! Come on! Peter Griffin is gonna win this one!!! Look, I might have voted for Wilson, Sub Zero, Jason, & Predator (I voted for the losers Samus & Bart, & I didn't vote in Sanders vs. Quaker Oats Guy), but he has this one in the bag. Think about it, he fought the legendary Giant Chicken TWICE!!!! Plus, he battled aliens with his wife, captured Daggermouth, & mettled his "original" in a beer brawl over Gary Coleman. I say, the Family Guy survives them all. But, if these factors prevail:

1)The Richard Simmons Robot is not here

2)Wilson is brought down first ("It's your turn to row, dumbass!")

3)Sub-Zero & Jason TKO each other in Mortal Kombat fashion

4)Eric gets caught in a Cheesy Poof fiasco

Then not only he will win, but goes all over his opponents, & saying "Who's Your Daddy!!!"


Peter gets Master Cheif by a magnet,stabs Jason so he'll never return util the sequel,stabs Predator and Sub Zero as well,pops Wilson with a pin, kicks Colonel Sanders in the weak spot, and gets Cartman wet so that he's all soggy. Peter is the first ever BOC champion!-An Eskimo:Rock,rock on.


Peter Griffin all the way! Seriously, you cant kill a toon, but, Peter can probably flatten the opposition (except for Cartman, but he gets lured away with food anyway, and Jason, but thats okay, because he has the urge to kill some teenagers, so he goes to a camp) Anyway, after Peter's victory, he wishes for his theme song back, I mean, who wouldnt want that theme music, its killer.-Wateva


Ok, so I am supporting Master Chief on this one. He has fought people somewhat like Predator already and hen has cool armor that can withstand Jason's machete. Plus he has a plasma sword or a "Noob Stick" which could kill Jason repeatedly. Sub zero is no problem at all just a couple shots and he is dead. As for all the others they have no chance at all there are two fat guys one fat kid and a volleyball. -Riley


Well Let’s start with the people who couldn’t survive the Danger room alone without the opponents.

Cartman - He’s a fat 9 year old. He’s slow. He’ll be an easy target for heat seeking missiles and such. (And he gives off a LOT of heat.)

Peter - Peter, like Cartman is fat. Now he’s fat but not fast. (Unlike Fat Albert.) He will probably be taken down by automated spikes Or The Predator.

Wilson - He’s an inanimate Volleyball. Cartman will probably sit on him first thing from exhaustion from walking into the room.

Sanders - He’s old. Somebody could throw Wilson at his head and kill him! Knock him down. He won’t be able to get up. Jason or Predator will walk on him and kill him.

Now for the folks who could win.

Sub-Zero - He can freeze automated weapons and opponents. Unfortunately Predator will get him with his shoulder cannon.

Jason - Despite his reanimation the way to kill (for the time being) is to dismember him. So Master Chief and Predator throw all the ammo they got at him till he explodes.

Now it just comes down to Master Chief and Predator.

The two fight. Avoiding and destroying all automated weapons that the Danger room attacks them with. But Finally Master Chief over powers Predator. He is about to kill The Predator as The Predator sets his bomb that he sets whenever he will lose. It is set. Master Chief kill Predator.

Master Chief Leaves The Danger Room and is about to wish to be the most powerful being ever when the bomb goes off, destroying everything and everybody within 73 square miles. Master chief is the winner. But in the end they all die.
- Brad


The Master Cheif has all of his competitors strenghs and none of their weaknesses. Once again, hail to the Chief.- Mr. Psychosis


J Dog’s Alternate Comment!:

Dude. I was the one who suggested this battle! And the eight greatest champs will partake in this match. Here is how the fight goes: Colonel Sanders will use a giant scythe (probably to kill all of them chickens from South Park), but the MC blows him away. Cartman grabs a shotgun & blows the MC away. Wilson will just stare at them, so Jason cuts the ball back into synthetic crap. That leaves Eric, Predator, Jason, Peter, & Zero. Peter Griffin will call for his assistants (Homer, a cat called Uckman, Goku, Coop, & a boy named Jackson Stallwall) & use the Twelve Swords of Power (see for more). Using Wayfinder, Coop slices through Zero while looking for a cheesesteak. Then Uckman & Goku combine energy attacks to prey on the Predator. Eric & Jack will go into the third floor of WWWF Towers (now FNF Towers). "You're gonna die, ***hole!" Cartman tels Jack. "Really?" He responds. Jack then turns into "Thor Mode" & slaughters Eric in a Kenny-like fashion. Then, in a suprising turn of events, Jason tries to slice at Homer. But Homer has the Shieldbreaker. So what does our favorite lummock do??? He uses the sword to slice into Jason's skull, giving him a 10th death. So, in the pile of corpses, Peter wins. But he does give the other five consolation gifts: A lifetime supply of KFC chicken!!! - J Dog


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