Wilson Vs. Plank

Wilson Vs. Plank

The Set Up:

"AND WELCOME!" shouts a short kid with a Navy Officer type uniform on. "Glad to see everyone here for 'ED'S BOAT RIDES!"

"Wow Plank. A boat ride! This sounds like fun!" says Johnny Twobyfour to a chunk of wood with a face drawn on it.

"Come right up and put the quarter in the jar!" The loud mouthed boy in the Navy Officer uniform says holding out an empty jar.

Johnny puts two quarters in the jar and enters the "ship"

"Eddy. This ship is unstable! All you did was put some plywood over a flotation tube and stick a flag post on top of it!" A tall boy with a black cap on complains to the small boy in the Navy uniform.

"Ah it'll be fine!" Eddy replies. "ED! START THE MOTOR!"

"CAN DO!" says a uni-browed kid in a green shirt. He sticks his head in the water and starts moving his lips so it sounds like a motor. The "ship" starts moving down stream.

"Wow Plank! This is amazing!" Johnny tells his wooden board.

"Looks like we're heading into some...RAPIDS!" Eddy shouts!

Ed does nothing.

"Ed. That’s your cue!" Eddy whispers to Ed.

Ed jumps in the water and starts hitting the raft with his head.

"WHOA! this is amazing!" Johnny yells in astonishment.

As Ed bangs his head up against the raft Johnny's wooden pal flys out of his hands and lands in the water.

"PLANK! PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!!!!!!" Johnny yells!

Plank starts drifting downstream.

3 Days Later:

Plank washes up on a desert island.
Tom Hanks is sitting just a few yards away talking to a volleyball. Tom spies Plank. He walks over and picks him up. He brings him back over with the volleyball and sticks Plank in the ground so he stands up.

"Hi. I'm Tom. What's your name?" Tom asks Plank.

"..." replies Plank.

"Plank! That's an interesting name. That's Wilson." Tom tells Plank pointing to the volleyball.

That Night:

"..." Wilson says to Plank.
"..." Plank retorts back.
"..." Wilson taunts.
"..." Plank challenges.
"..." Wilson tells him.

So a staring contest begins.

The Commentary:

Brad: It's Plank here folks. Wilson's a broken volleyball. He'll sag down over his eyes. That would count as a blink. Plus. What has Wilson EVER done? Plank has caused The Ed boys to go down an incredibly dangerous roller coaster built with scraps from the junk yard. Wilson will get intimidated. "What will happen if I win? What will he do to me?"

There’s only one way Plank could lose. If he tipped over. His eyes are drawn on with sharpie. That stuff never comes off! Plank has the resistance to stand up against the island winds. He's tough! He avoided hungry termites! He's skilled! He's bright! He's crafty! He'll easily get Wilson's eyes off of his!

Riley: People, people! Wilson was there first and is covered in blood! At least that's what he looks like. THAT'S intimidation! Really! Planks just some driftwood with eyes drawn on! Plus Brad, that's not sharpie! It's crayon! His mouth has been wiped off before.

Wilson can endure the island weather. Plank only escaped the termites FROM wind! He can't stand up against a gentle breeze! The strong winds will knock Plank down. Then Wilson will keep staring, and staring, and staring...and staring.......

The Fight:

Brad: Well. How’s this fight going?

Brad: They’re staring.

Brad: And Staring.

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: Holy crap!

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: Genetic…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: Mutants are…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: Eating Tom!

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

Brad: And staring…

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Final Votes:

Wilson (53%)

Out-Stares

Plank (47%)

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Brad: It’s getting windy.

Brad: The wind knocks plank down on his face! Wilson wins!

Viewer Comment Of the Week!

For this fight, I'm going to be going by references in everyone's favorite browser-based MMORPG: The Kingdom Of Loathing (http://www.kingdomofloathing.com/) to chose my vote! As far as I know, there is no way to get a Plank-based familiar by using some kind of wood and something to draw with. However, by getting a volleyball, then using it with the "Bloody Fingers" effect you get from the Seal Tooth, you create a blood-faced volleyball which you can then use to increase the stats you gain. And, Wilson has a name, not a description. Though I am a big fan of names that are disclaimers/descriptions (The Cheat, Black T-Shirt Guy, DJ C-Rap), it's hard to touch the 1337ness of naming a piece of inflated plastic after the guy on the other side of the fence on "Tool Time". If they could talk, I bet Wilson would be sharing an anecdote about how sand corrodes wood. Plank would probably be just like that kid who carries him around, Johnny 2x4, who I think probably would get a negative score on his SAT test. Plus, though they both have been created out of boredom/partial insanity, Wilson was created out of dementia! A psycho person's imaginary pet would totally beat the crap outta a crazy stupid person's imaginary pet. Now, I didn't see "Castaway" or whatever the movie that Wilson is from where a Fed-Ex guy falls out of a plane is, so I don't know how Wilson affects Tom Hanks. I'm sure it's not that exciting anyway. In the likely event of a storm (yes, I know it's going to happen, because it should), Plank will have his face run down him, while Wilson will only get a little messed up. Blood is really hard to get out, especially if it's had a chance to dry. So, Wilson has all the guts, insanity, knowledge and endurance to beat Plank in any kind of contest, except for the X-Treme Downhill Sledding race. - Chester M., a.k.a. xtishereb.

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Other Lesser Comments:

Did anyone else notice The Cast Away reference in the set-up? PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!!!!! WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILSOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!

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Wilson’s face is painted on with blood, plank is marker. I rather have Wilson as A friend [especially now since Mr.Woofles is gone] Soo, I choose Wilson!!!!! w00t!!!! ~Also, plank can rot....

- Psycho

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What the crud?!? Haven't you seen Bambi VS Godzilla? Godzilla stomps on Bambi quicker than Roseanne clears a buffet! Anyways, Plank will win. Just don't put something ridiculous like Bambi kicking butt. Bambi can't even kick a cigarette butt!!!-An Eskimo: Stupid Eds.(Okay, I knew you were sarcastic ,so never mind.)

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