Quaker Oats Quaker vs. Colonel Sanders

Quaker Oats Quaker vs. Colonel Sanders

The Set-Up:

Parallel universe 347:

Description Of Universe: The same as ours (Universe 12,859) except all advertisement characters are real. Real or fictional. (So basically Tony The Tiger runs Kellogg’s and it's not odd if your cleaning man's Mr. Clean.)

The Streets of Kentucky:

The Quaker Oats Quaker has a roadside stand selling his Oatmeal.

"Business is doing great! I'm so glad that Jacob and Jebediah could watch my other two stands back in Pennsylvania!" The Quaker says to himself.

5 weeks later:

A new restaurant opens up behind him. "KFC". The Quaker is tired of seeing people go in and out getting fatter and fatter from the greasy fried chicken. He finally decides to go inside.

"I want to see the manager!" The quaker says to the clerk.

"Um...Okay. HEY MITER SANDERS! CAN YA COME OT HERE A MINUTE!?!?" The clerk yells.

"What do you want?" Colonel Sanders says in a cranky tone.

"This guy here want t' tak wit you." The clerk tells him.

"Your food is unhealthy and it's drawing business away from my perfectly fine oatmeal stand!" The quaker complains.

"Well, I'm not responsible if more people like my food than your disgusting Oatmeal." The Colonel snaps back.

"You can at least make your food less fattening! I'm not one to pick a fight but you have a pretty big gut there." The quaker points out.

"Oh that's it! You wanna fight? I'll give you a fight!" The Colonel yells at him. He then punches him in the face.

"Well! I thought we could settle this in a peaceful way. but If you want to fight, I'll fight!" The quaker snaps back at him.

Now who will win this fist fight?

The Commentary:

Brad: I gotta hand it to the quaker on this one on acount of two words: Clogged Arteries. The colonel has been eating greasy fried chicken. It clogs his arteries and makes him fat and slow! Big disadvantages. Plus one more big disadvantage to the colonel. Glasses. If the quaker punches his glasses they'll break and shards of glass will go straight into his eyes. Meanwhile the quaker has been eating oatmeal. Making him strong. He'll easily break the colonel's old bones! But the quaker is old to your might say. True. But he has been drinking a lot of milk with that oatmeal making his bones strong! Listen to your parents kids and eat your oatmeal. Maybe someday you'll grow up big and strong and beat up a famous spokesperson too!

Brent: Hi I am Brent I'll be Guest Commenting today. Anyway in a fist fight between The Quaker oatmeal guy and the KFC Colonel the Quaker would get his ass kicked. First of all, the word Quaker means that he doesn't believe in fights and a fist fight would be a fight so he is out. And just think The KFC is a Colonel! So he could just kick the Quaker guy's ass! Quaker wouldn't fight back, He can't, and it would be against his beliefs. In addition the guy wears that Stupid colonial hat. How could anybody who wears that win a fist fight? Plus he is old, you can tell by his hair. Sure, the Colonel is old to, but he is much younger than the Quaker. The Colonel would send the Quaker back to Pennsylvania he came from!

The Fight:

Brad: Okay. I’ve Connected to Parallel 347 Brad. He’s currently in the KFC where the fights going on. Let’s see if we can connect to him.

Parallel Universe 347 Brad: Okay. Sanders has just punched The Quaker. The Quaker whispers something. Looks like he’s praying.

Quaker: God, please forgive for what I am about to do to this poor …

Parallel Universe 347 Brad: Woah. Who knew the Amish had that word in their vocabulary? Anyways the Quaker…uh…throws his shoe at Sanders. Sanders ducks and jumps over the counter with a bucket of chicken. He throws it on top of the Quaker’s head so the Quaker can’t see. Sanders then continuously punches him in the stomach. Quaker takes the bucket off and decks him! Man. Who thought a Quaker would actually punch someone? Sanders falls behind the counter.

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Final Votes:

Colonel Sanders 27 (64%)

Deep Fries

The Quaker Oats Quaker 15 (36%)

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Parallel Universe 347 Brad: The Quaker starts to walk away when Sanders jumps out from behind the counter. He tackles the Quaker to the ground and pummels him. The Quaker’s taking a lot. Sanders keep punching, and the Quaker is out cold. Sanders wins this.

Brad: Well thanks for the play by play. Bye now!

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Viewer Comment Of The Week

Quaker should win because sanders is partly the reason why America is called the fat country. which is embarrassing for America. I don’t like either but Quaker is better. and Brent, don't think your cool just because you say words like "ass" ....-Psycho

Congrats! For insulting Brent you get Viewer Comment Of The Week! - Eds

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Lesser Comments

Alright! It's about time we got some straight-up fist-fights, none of that gimmick fight crap. So, who would win? A old guy who eats only whole grain and no meat, or a old guy who probably got a dishonorable discharge from the army and has been eating greasy, fried chicken non-stop for about 50 years in order to attempt to fill that void? To be honest, that actually took a lot of thinking. The Quaker will probably be lacking in upper-body strength, but be able to move quickly and not suffer a heart-attack, or Sanders, who has been on the Atkins diet before it was even invented, but not exercising, so he wouldn't have much strength, and could become dead from a heart-attack at any time now. The excitement of trying to fight a guy would probably get Sanders' heart pumping, creating massive blood build-ups in his artery, which then may cause an aortic embolism (That would be a great name for a heavy metal band), which is when the Aorta, a large artery coming from the heart, breaks. Sanders' chest cavity will then fill with blood and he will die within 10 seconds. However, if he has been working out somewhat, so his arteries might not be in that bad a condition. In that case, he would try throwing a couple of punches, which the Quaker would easily dodge, and then become too tired to continue and collapse from exhaustion. This won't be a very close fight, but it should be fun none the less.-Chester M., a.k.a. xtishereb, 3-time Comment of the Week winner.

It could had been four times if you had insulted Brent!

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No way around this one, Sanders dominates. How could he not. The Quaker is a lonely little religious man from Penn. Sanders also has "The Hood" on his side. Because we all know black people love chicken. So Sanders could just flash the Wu-Tang hand thing and the gang would be there to bust a cap in the Quaker. Sorry Quaker you ain't got no posse. -Jake-

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Quaker should win because First, I like oatmeal Second, chicken is an animal and I like animals so..................................fall in a ditch and die colonel sanders guy, or better yet, get killed by the Quaker!

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